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F'd Up!

In April I proudly announced to the world that I started a new role. It was such a joy to work for a firm that championed the underrepresented investor in a way that made each employee I met feel deeply connected to the work we were doing. I was fairly compensated, appropriately challenged, and felt like a valued member of an impressive team. But it was conditional. I needed to obtain additional licensing by my 4 month anniversary to stay.

To prepare for my first attempt I relied on my old method which consisted of studying in pockets around my daily life. But that method was clearly more effective with a younger sharper version of my brain. After that failure, I switched gears and attempted to pass a combo of tests instead. I attended classes for both, checked into a hotel for a few days to minimize distractions, and even paid a tutor! I didn’t pass either exam.

My scores were now 63, 69, and 64. Failure is not a word I'm familiar with seeing after dedicating my time and energy to a specific goal. Being so close to the passing score of 70 for each exam crushed my spirit a little each time. I was embarrassed and disappointed with how I was showing up in this new role as it literally slipped through my fingers. Then came the regret about my approach and then guilt. These amazing new coworkers were taking time out of their busy schedules to find ways to prevent my inevitable fate…Fired!

But finally peace and clarity showed up and my Faith kicked in! I thank God for those wonderful reminders that I am actually intelligent enough to retain and recall information, a very capable leader, and abundantly blessed. I really needed them. The best one was my son's reaction when I came home from the last exam. He casually said "I know you're disappointed but at least you won't be stressed out anymore." What I thought I was demonstrating was hard work, sacrifice and dedication. But it showed up as an uninspiring example of "stressed out Mom." That was my real failure!

Looking back I side stepped the most passionate and fulfilling work I've ever done to bring someone else's vision to life. As much as I aligned with that employer's mission and enjoyed working with everyone I met, when God emphatically says "not this...not now...not here" he means it! So get ready for more Rice Love Tree content because I'm more convinced then ever that this where I’m meant to be focused right now.

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